5 Easy ways to make yourself a catch.

Why it's important

Most dating advice is focused on techniques, i.e. the "how to" part of the equation. It's great for starters but grows mechanical and stale with time. To have better dating lives and ultimately more intersting lives, we need to create balance and value.

Being a better catch is not about her, it's about you.

It's about being more confident and socially-attuned. These skills play into our everday lives, in the way we communicate. Women always form a first impression about us, and it's nothing to dwell on - the best to do is prepare for it while improving yourself in the process.

5 Easy Ways

1. Think about appearance, not your looks.

We dress for work, we dress for church - we even dress for the beach. Now add "dress stylishly". Basically, wear something that shows you took the time to pick out and coordinate.

Our celebrity-obsessed media creates a culture fixated on looks, women especially. Get past the hype and know what's real: making yourself presentable.

Basic principles are:

Dress neatly: nothing too small or large, clothing is well-maintained/laundered

Match basic colors: grey/black/blue or green/brown/beige - balance our loud colors with a gentler ones to balance out

Stay updated: update your wardrobe from time to time, throw out old clothes with holes/tears

Here's a laundry list of specifics:

Pants

Dress denim (7 for Mankind, Rock & Republic)

Utility pants/cargo's (dkny, fcuk, Kenneth Cole)

Tops

Designer tees (Drifter, Salvage)

Dress shirts (Ben Sherman, fcuk, Diesel)

Coats

Blazers (Armani Exchange, Kenneth Cole)

Jackets (Armani Exchange, Diesel)

Shoes

Boots (Aldo, Kenneth Cole)

Dress Shoes/Loafers (Kenneth Cole) 

Finally, a word about grooming: Do it or else!

That means brushing/flossing, combing/geling hair, shaving, showering - all the basics. Do it all the time, the same as you would for work.

As for glasses vs. contacts, I wear both and find contacts are better for catching eye contact with women.

2. Exercise.

And have some fun while you're it - do something you like. Me, I do martial arts, weights and surf. If you're short on things to do, try hiking trails, biking local routes in your neighborhood or taking up classes at a local gym.

In addition to the health benefits, your energy level will be more consistent and you'll keep an active appearance.

Think about joining local clubs around sports, not only to meet people, but to stay motivated with that activity - community centers are local and inexpensive to join.

3. Write down your top 5 goals in life.

Most women will want to know what you have it together - that is, what do you want in life?

And the way to plan and achieve them is to list them out. They'll serve as a reference from time to time for seeing if you're on track. Your goals can be professional, personal or spiritual - most important part is writing them down.

Having and achieving goals will give you a stronger sense of purpose. You know what you want, and you're working to achieve them. Women care about this because it reflects your leadership ability to drive the relationship, no matter long or short that may be. 

4. Develop one interest in culture.

Find one new cultural event in your area and follow it. Here are a few ideas:

• symphony/theater
  
• wine tasting
  
• art exhibits
  
• new restaurants
  
• outdoor festivals
  

The easiest way is to keep an eye out and go with friends who are already attending. All it takes is some asking around - your workplace may offer group passes for some events.

5. Go socialize once a week.

The secret to meeting women is to go meet women. Go out for a happy hour, club event, or a night on the town. Along the way you'll make friends and build your network.

While you're out, socialize with friends as well as people around you. Strike up conversations with people next to you, it's a way to meet new people.

Conclusion

"Improving you" is an inexpensive and easy process, as long as you know where to focus your efforts. Often we stop ourselves with our fears and insecurity even before we start - improving your dating life is a gradual process.

5 Easy exercises to improve your approaches and your attitude.

(Note: This is a re-write of my 1/9/09 post, "How one word can influence the way you approach women".)

The Power of Attiude 

Our attitude and more importantly our belief in our ability can make or break our approaches.

It affects everything we do before, during and after approaching a woman. From the thoughts we think, the words we speak and the way we feel afterwards - it all boils down to attitude and belief.

Say waking up is hard for you. You think waking up is difficult, challenging or even painful. You feel the emotions and sensations behind these emotions. As a result, you feel sluggish and dread of the next workday.

How do you feel about approaching: is it something you do naturally or something that scares your liver loose?

Fight for your right... to make the approach. Boldly.

If you find approaching a woman nerve-wracking, then you'll struggle with your fear of doing it. The same goes for sexual escalation. When it's time to get her number or go for the kiss, your fear and poor attitude will lock you up and take you out of your element.

Instead, focus on the value that you bring to the table and the engaging, dynamic person that you are. 

Think about times people responded well to what you said and laughed at your jokes. You are the life of the party, and you bring the party with you.

Think about what it means to be a more engaging person. It means you're more focused and present in the moment. Imagine Larry King doing an interview - he's right there with his guest, firing away with the next question.

You bring value to the conversation and focus your attention on the other person. Your mind is focused on the moment and not on how hard it is to approach:

#1 Behaving dynamically, not passively.

Look people in the eye when talking to them. Practice taking interest in the details of their lives, ask questions that extend the conversation rather than end it.

Lock eyes with strangers that you pass on the street, then start smiling with your eyes when you begin regularly catch their glance. 

#2 Turning that mental frown upside down.

Release the anxiety about making it happen with all the attractive women out there. Let go of any outcomes and let one moment unfold into the next. Our expectations rarely pan out exact as we planned, and they put pressure on us to perform.

With practice, letting go of outcomes and expectations becomes easier. You become more attentive and aware of the social dynamics in a conversation. You can feel another person's response to you. You adapt to the situation more quickly because your mind is focused on engaging.

#3 Listing out new habits.

Write out a list of how you can be more present and dynamic, then pick one or two to practice everyday. 

Sample list:

a. Speak in strong (and varying) vocal tones .

b. Hold eye contact in conversation without glancing away.

c. Remain still in conversation without fidgeting.

d. Practice being comfortable with silences in a conversation.

e. Remain calm around hot girls. yes. you. don't put her on a pedestal.

Being calm and confident around hot girls requires that you do everything else on that list, so keep the last one in mind.

#4 Accept rejection cheerfully and gracefully.

This one deserves 5 exercises of its own. If an approach doesn't work out, remember:

a. She's not trying to embarrass you.

b. You are getting valuable feedback to help with your next approach (you are always learning from your mistakes).

c. Not all women respond poorly to you.

d. Her response says nothing about your ability or personality.

e. She is a human being and will respond in unpredictable ways (both good and bad).

Learn to take it easy on yourself and not take things personally. Distance reject from who you are and look at how it reflects on your skillset. What is the one thing you can learn from a mistake and apply to do improve the next time?

#5 Remembeing that the glass is half full.

Finally, remember the glass is half-full. It's easier to focus on what you have rather than what you do not:

a. You are consistently improving your social skillset just by trying.

b. Any progress is progress - don't take away from it. If you get a smile or a look, that is success. Celebrate your successes.

c. There are women out there who dig who you are, right now.

If you remember and apply the last one, then it'll always be true because it'll become self-fulfilling.

5 Easy Eye Contact Exercises

Why it's important.

Eye contact with a woman is a powerful way of 

communicating with her and when used correctly, leaves a lasting impression.

Start by focusing on two parts:

1. establishing eye contact with her

2. maintaining the contact throughout the conversation.

Of course you'll want to practice eye contact on everyone, in everyday situations. More importantly, use it to focus when interacting with women. 

It's intimidating, even scary at first, to look a woman straight in the eye when talking to her - but after a while, it gets interesting and eventually, sensual. 

Yes, bedroom eyes. You want your eye contact to be relaxed yet intense. You burn with intensity below your gaze while allowing it to focus on her. 

When you have it down, she'll feel it by opening up to you. She'll feel the intensity of your gaze and return it. The words will flow but more importantly is the vibe. 

She might lean in closer to hear what you're saying, play with her hair or fidget a bit - those are the cues that you've got her attention:

#1 Relaxing your gaze.

Practice this is in conversation: make eye contact when you're talking with her, then relax and hold it. Don't glance away or fidget - stay still and hold eye contact both while you're talking (easier to do) and listening (harder to do).

Practice relaxing your gaze when holding eye contact - it should only be uncomfortable because few people hold eye contact during a conversation. If it gets tense or weird, then glance away for a second or two and work on relaxing your gaze.

Relaxing your gaze is like staring at the sunset. You look at it, even admire it, without focusing too hard on it. Now imagine the facial expression as you're doing this - it should also be calm and relaxed.

#2 Establishing eye contact first.

Catch a woman's eye by glancing over slowly and casually. I cannot emphasize this enough: snapping your head around to take a look or following her with your body language while she walks will cause her to not look at you. 

Women want men who are discreet and can look without drooling. With enough practice, she'll start looking back - or not. If she does not, it really does mean she's not interested. She might be busy or not in the mood. In that case, why bother? Look for the ones that are looking... for you. 

When she walks by or looks up at you (which you can feel with your peripheral vision), pause for a second, then casually glance over. Imagine looking at something out of a car window - it's a quick, fleeting glance.

But once you do catch her glance, don't look away - hold and relax your gaze.

#3 Feeling her gaze on you.

Sense with your peripheral vision, then feel with your intuition. Was her look a gaze, a stare, or a stare-down, and was it curious, cold, distant, fleeting, shy away, or intense? 

We know the answers if we think about them. Most of time we don't pay attention and treat a look as just a look. But it can be much more than that - women communicate with eye contact all the time. Try saying the wrong thing in front of a group of women. Some might call you out on it and make fun of you on the spot - but most likely they'll comment to each other with eye contact.

That's because women know how to use eye contact, and they are reaching out to us in the same way. It's the only way they know how, and we need to understand it if we are to reciprocate. All we have to do is think about what her look is trying to say. 

#4 Speaking with your eyes, not with your words.

Once you're comfortable holding and maintaining eye contact, think about ways to communicate with that eye contact. We communicate our state of mind with eye contact - whether we are excited, bored or drained, say after a full day at work. Be aware of the feeling you communicate with your look - women are sensitive and pick up on these subtle cues. 

An effective gaze is a mixture of both intensity and calmness. It is unwavering and steady, communicating power while having a calming effect. You are demonstrating to her strength through your stillness and confidence by maintaining your gaze.

#5 Using your peripheral vision correctly.

Our peripheral vision register much of what we don't notice - all we need to do is pay attention. And noticing is exactly what peripheral vision is for. Think about driving on the road - we check our blindspot before changing lanes and occasionally glance into the rearview mirror for cars behind us. We are constantly checking in to see what is going on around while we're driving.

There's no urgency, and we're not too preoccupied doing it since we are driving, after all. Doing the same while we're walking around and chatting with people will help us become more aware of our surroundings. Who's noticing us while we're walking be, who's turning their head across the room, who can feel our presence?

No need to look over to see what happened, just acknowledge it and scan using your peripheral. "Drive your car" if you have to next time you into a cafe or restaurant. 

In conclusion.

Eye contact is not confusing at all but it does take practice and patience to develop. It takes some getting used to but the best part is that you can't mess up too much with it. After all, you're speaking with your eyes, not with your mouth.

5 Easy exercises to make women smile

The smile is the start

Getting women smiling back at you upon approaching is important. In fact, it's critical. First impressions make or break you, and it happens in a split second.

So yes it's a big deal but no, it's not hard... once you get the hang of it.

#1 Approach with the outcome in mind.

Simple. Begin with the end in mind, which is getting her to smile - duh! More specifically, imagine how she'll light up when you start interacting with her.

Stay focused on the positive outcome of having her respond positively to you, and it'll soon become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

#2 Begin by smiling yourself.

It's our natural instinct to smile back at people who smile at us. Smiling puts us in a better mood and help get us out of our heads. Smile, then take a deep breath - get some oxygen into those lungs to clear your mind!

Most importantly, smiling gets your energy up, and she can feel your positive vibe when you're "stepping to the plate" so to speak.

#3 Start small.

Say you're complete new to cold approaching - then start small and work your way up. Begin by smiling at women that pass your way. This can be at work, on the street or in the cafe. Get in the habit of making some eye contact and exchanging a smile.

Once that happens on a regular basis, then you're wired your brain to smile and get her to smile back at you. You can do this without even approaching her!

#4 Focus in and don't let go.

Our minds love to drift. We analyze, worry and daydream in our minds constantly. The chatter turns up especially when we take ourselves out of the comfort zone. We start worrying about the outcome, how we may get rejected, and all the other what if's.

So focus in and don't let go. It takes practice, and it takes patience. Think about how she'll light up, and focus on the one thing you're going to open with. Yes, one thing - not the next thing to say or the one after that but what you'll initially open the conversation with.

#5 Keep momentum

The path to game mastery lies in incremental improvement. Learn to crawl, then stand, then walk - that sort of thing. So begin by smiling at women, then doing it by giving them a compliment. 

One of my favorites is complimenting them on a particular accessories. Women love this become you took the time to notice. It's sincere, and it's easy to do.

Once you're comfortable approaching, then build on that first impression and roll into conversation. Again, simple does the trick. Comment on the obvious like weather, what you're up to, where you're headed - engage her in the conversation and ask her as well. And voila - you've just struck up a conversation with a cute girl!

Action Steps:

1. Practice smiling at women passing by at work, in the street, etc.

2. Smile, take a breath, then approach with a sincere compliment.

3. Keep conversation moving by commenting on simple things and engaging her to respond.

Know when to cut losses: setting up a dating stop loss

Quality = Balance

Dating takes time & energy that can be devoted to other areas such as career, health, friends & family. It's worthwhile because it's a healthy activity that improves the quality of life.

Quality, however, hinge on balance, and each area adds up to make a whole. One metric to watch in our dating life then, is balance with all the other areas.

Doing so will ensure balance between dating and all other areas.

When dating = distraction

When then this happens, then the balance is broken. Dating is a leisure activity that should only contribute to quality of life, not take away from it. Emergencies at work get way higher priority than weekend partying.

Symptoms that dating = distraction:

• Consistent drama: takes mental & emotional energy away from other areas

• Recurring issues that require re-addressing: signaling symptoms of a larger problem that needs attention
  

• Hang-ups from the girl about your leadership and style: signaling symptoms of miscommunication
  

• Indecisiveness from the girl regarding your leadership and style: a clean start may save time and headaches down the line
  

Flag symptoms & compare against your stop loss

Setting up a stop loss is about flagging symptoms vs. solving the larger problems behind the symptoms. The stop loss is a threshold for your time & energy, which is a precious resource.

Staying accountable to your stop loss will give you definitely boundaries in staying balanced.

The price paid in opportunity cost

Other than taking away from other areas, distraction also takes us away from other women we can be pursuing and/or dating - i.e. distraction = opportunity cost for other dating experiences.

Dating and relationships are about personal dynamics where things need to move forward to be engaging, and most have a life cycle from start to finish.

When symptoms come up and become distractions, then they hold up the process without creating any growth, development or fun experiences.